Why am I looking for you again?
Did my brain not get the memo: husband dead, not coming back.
I used to believe that all possibilities existed at once. Not anymore.
Time is real now. And reality never repeats itself.
A sad thought, really.
Time never meant anything to me. There was no reason to care about gray hair or wrinkles, your life experience and my lack of it. When our spirits intertwined, so too did our past, our present, our future. Our relationship was on an even keel.
But now? Now that I no longer feel you with me, I realize that time does exist. It is not the changing of seasons, another birthday, or even the ticking of the clock, that proves it for me.
It is the loss of your spirit that was once a part of mine. I always felt that loved ones who died were still a part of me, made me who I am. But really, I was never intertwined with their spirit like I was with yours. I never really felt the loss that made me believe time was real.
And now that time is real and it will never repeat, my feelings of loss increases.
I thought I was a part of your past, your youth, your spirit, and you were a part of mine.
But that isn't true, is it. It never was true. I lost something I thought was eternal.
What do I do with this? Am I even thinking straight?
It's been seven years since I said goodbye, and it feels like yesterday.
Time is not a gentle healer.
