Eleven years seems like an unfathomable amount of time to be apart from someone. Yet, today marks eleven years since I last heard the breath of my late husband Brian.
So much happens in eleven years that it feels nearly impossible to compare that to the much shorter time that Brian and I were actually together as a couple and then as husband and wife. While we measure life in time, we also measure it in experience, maturity, growth, and so many other things.
Whether it’s eleven years today, or twenty years nine years from now, or when it was just one year ten years ago, the gap, the void, the person missing from this earth remains the same. His place in my heart is not filled.
Time is a healer in many ways. But healing doesn’t always take away the scar or the injury or the pain. There is often still evidence of the loss that occurred and that is especially true in death. My heart grew and expanded to accept new love and family and adventure. My soul did the same. But the ache and the scar remain. They’re not the same as they were eleven years ago when I felt my earth shatter but it’s still palpable like an injury that flares up right before a thunderstorm. You know when it’s coming.
We don’t fill the void of losing the ones we love. But our life becomes whole in new ways we never expected. And those people help us navigate these painful times when we miss those loved ones so very much. It’s strange to kiss your fiancé goodbye as he heads off to work and he tells you he hopes you don’t have too sad of a day - knowing you’re actively mourning your late husband. Life is incredibly strange. It’s not linear by any means. It’s fluid and messy and beautiful.
On year eleven, I miss you Brian. Just as I did the other years, but it’s different too. And I’m sad and happy about that. More and more as the years go by, I am most sad for those who didn’t get to meet your optimism, your smile, your courage, and laughter, and charm. At times like these I can only imagine how refreshing your personality would be to so many. I love you always.
