I feel change. Change in me. And, changes around me. If Brian’s death has taught me anything it is that change is the only thing that is constant in life.
Change is the only thing that you can know for certain.
October 6 is officially ten years since Brian died.
Wow.
And, in truth, the counting of days earned in widowhood is no longer super important to me. For me, Brian has been dead a long, long time and that is all that any of these dates mean anymore. I have missed him for a bloody long time; and I know that I have a lifetime of missing ahead of me...so screw the dates. I am thoroughly bored of counting days. Brian died and I will not allow myself to become some type of math wizard who can recall his days dead like a savant.
I choose to remember the days he lived instead of the days he has been dead. I choose to remember the good man he was and all that we shared. I move forward remembering the LOVE more than the loss. The way I choose to focus on the love, rather than the obvious loss has helped me survive outliving him.
So much has changed in these last ten years. Some changes have been awful and other changes have been for the better. I am not going to go through and painstakingly list these things by name; it is enough to say that when your person dies not all the change it sets in motion is lousy. I recognize that, in some very significant ways, I have become a better woman these last ten years.
I have changed so much since Brian died. I often wonder if he could come back to life if we would need some time to readjust to each other. I am not the woman Brian knew and loved anymore. Parts of that woman still exist, but his death has irreparably changed me. I accept this. I have to.
I am quieter now. I spend a fair bit of time just staring out into the beyond wondering what the hell has happened to my life. I think and I think and I overthink some more. I have sat with my grief for ten years now and there is really nothing mind blowing left for me to discover.
Brian died. I didn’t. My responsibility is to myself. Now, I must live my own life. Thats is what he’d want for me, and honestly, it doesn’t matter what Brian wants for me. Brian isn’t here. Only I am. I want to live again...for me.
If I am to properly honor Brian then I will go forward and live a beautiful life. I will laugh and I will travel and see this amazing world. I will go to all the places he told me about and I will put my footprints on the earth in each of the places I thought he and I would go together. And, yes this is all bittersweet, but it is the life I’ve got. What else can I do but live it.
So, that is the plan. I will start to live boldly again. I will smile and I will feel joy again. And, I will engage in good conversation with people I just met. I will do all these things that Brian used to do so well. I will do these things because I can. I did not die and it is about time I live.
By living a wonderful life, all the goodness of Brian lives on in me.
This is how his Girl keeps him alive. This is how this girl keeps herself alive.
Ten years and changing.
