#KeepItBrian

The deepest loss.

It's still true. No other loss in my life has compared to that of losing my husband Brian when he was 32. Cancer is a cruel and painful disease.

Every year, I wonder and worry what this day will hold for me. Usually it's a need to keep myself busy and distracted.

Brian was a bright and shining light in my life. We felt so lucky to have one another and that was evident in our relationship.  He was kind and fun, radiating joy. Even after his diagnosis, he focused on winning and always made the nurses and support staff smile and want to visit his room. 

When I think of overcoming battles, it's his courage that I reflect upon and draw strength from. He amazed me with his resilience throughout that battle.  Up until the last few hours of his life, when all the options were gone, he was determined to survive.

I wish you could have known him.  That's what I miss most; because he was a great person, he was kind, and he was funny. He made friends wherever he went. I know if you had met him, you would leave that meeting with a smile on your face.

So today, on his 42nd birthday, I hope you'll share a smile and a kind and uplifting word.  With your family, coworkers, friends, a stranger.

Keep it Brian.

Drowning

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve had to find different ways to grieve. There are days that I don’t even want it on my mind. But tonight I’m weak.

I looked at pictures, mostly the ones with you in them, and I laughed and cried a little reminiscing by myself. I can’t help that all I think about is how you were taken way too soon. It’s not the same here without you.

I know you’re in a better place, and one day I’ll see you again. But it’s killing me that we can’t be face to face. I miss my best friend.

Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I’m drowning.

You deserved more

On the eve of your 8th Angel Day...

Most of the time, I can deal with your death. I can hold back the tears and accept that you’re gone.

I force myself to believe the cliche words that get thrown around, about how only the good die young and how God takes His favorites first. About how it was your time and how everything happens for a reason.

But sometimes, that silver linings attitude fades away and all I can feel is anger. Hurt. Betrayal.

I’m sorry that I can’t be strong all the time. That there are days when I question my faith. Days when I hate the world and every person inside of it. Days when I’m bitter about the way life turned out.

I’m sorry that I can’t walk around with unflinching hope when I know how shitty this world is. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I carry so much anger inside.

I’m pissed, because you left your family behind. You left people who still needed your love, your voice, your hugs, your kisses. People who cared about you more than they cared about themselves. People who would do anything to have one more minute with you.

I’m pissed, because I keep seeing these shitty people running around without a care in the world, living for decades longer than you had the chance to. Because the goodness in your heart should have earned you more days, months, years.

I’m pissed, because you deserved better. You deserved to celebrate more milestones. You deserved to see the people around you grow up. You deserved to grow old yourself and pass away peacefully in your sleep after ninety years of living your best life.

I’m pissed, because it’s not fair. That sounds whiny to say, childish, but it’s the truth. What happened to you wasn’t fair. What happened to your family wasn’t fair. Nothing about your death was fair.

I miss you. And I hate that I miss you, because I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to call you up. I should be able to send you texts. I should be able to see you face-to-face anytime I want.

You should still be here, right now, sending me texts to ask how I’ve been doing. You should still be here, right now, giving me a reason to laugh instead of cry. You should still be here, right now, alive and well.

No matter how many cliches are thrown at me about how only the good die young, no matter how many of those sayings I choose to believe to find some semblance of comfort, I will always believe that your death was bullshit.

I will always believe that there was some sort of mistake, that you didn’t deserve it. 

I will always believe that you deserved so much more.

Time is a liar

Why am I looking for you again?

Did my brain not get the memo: husband dead, not coming back.

I used to believe that all possibilities existed at once. Not anymore.

Time is real now. And reality never repeats itself.

A sad thought, really.

Time never meant anything to me. There was no reason to care about gray hair or wrinkles, your life experience and my lack of it. When our spirits intertwined, so too did our past, our present, our future. Our relationship was on an even keel.

But now? Now that I no longer feel you with me, I realize that time does exist. It is not the changing of seasons, another birthday,  or even the ticking of the clock, that proves it for me.

It is the loss of your spirit that was once a part of mine. I always felt that loved ones who died were still a part of me, made me who I am. But really, I was never intertwined with their spirit like I was with yours. I never really felt the loss that made me believe time was real.

And now that time is real and it will never repeat, my feelings of loss increases.

I thought I was a part of your past, your youth, your spirit, and you were a part of mine.

But that isn't true, is it. It never was true. I lost something I thought was eternal.

What do I do with this? Am I even thinking straight?

It's been seven years since I said goodbye, and it feels like yesterday.

Time is not a gentle healer.

Sand and stardust

If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a voice I have never heard, I would still know you.  Even if centuries separated us, I would still feel you.  Somewhere between the sand and the stardust, through every collapse and creation, there is a pulse that echoes of you and me.

I miss you.

The hollow

Yesterday,  I looked at a picture of us, and I missed the way your arms felt around me. I missed the way your breath tickled my neck when you hugged me from behind.

Today, I realized I don't miss you as much as I used to. You are simply a face in all of my good memories. You are a happy thought.

Tomorrow, I will rise from my bed in love with another man. I love him because you taught me how.

I have reclaimed the hollow that you left behind.

7

8/28/2016

We would have been married 7 years today.  And I'm like eh, it's just another day. It's not special anymore. You were the reason it was special.

So, today, while I'm at home with my new man and his kiddos who live in my heart, I'll remember that you loved me and we were married for awhile and it was grand.

I'll always love you, Brian Singer. And I'll take the love you showed me how to do, and give it to Paul.

Because he loves me too.