Not Guilty

I often find that I have trouble recalling the life "before Brian was sick" because he was well and then "sick!" just like that. I know cancer doesn't happen that way but the diagnosis felt like that.

I keep striving for those memories of us that make me smile... sometimes I think his death watered them all down. I also think about all the things he remembered that I didn't and I could ask "what was the name of that place where we had the great dinner..." and he would know.

So when he died some of my memories went with him...memories he carried for the both of us. I hate that feeling when I can almost remember but not the full thing. I worry a day will come and he too will seem so very far away.

I sometimes lay in bed and try to conjur the feeling of him in the bed beside me. The curve of his back. The way I would fit myself around him and rest my mouth on his shoulder blade. I used to kiss him awake. I try to make myself remember that.

Yes, it often makes me cry, but I want to keep him, keep that memory of how I woke up every day. So I bring it back every so often so it won't leave me. Because...he was just here...only 1 year and 8 months ago. Sometimes it feels like an eternity.

There is tremendous guilt associated with moving on without him but life hasn't given me an option. I don't want to remain stuck in my grief because it is such a debilitating place to be, yet the guilt associated with moving forward brings feelings of betrayal.

Trying to keep one foot in the past and one foot in the future is a challenging place to be. I wish it was different, maybe one day it will be.

Moving forward without guilt is one of the hardest things to do...maybe impossible.

Then I tell myself that I have to live a life that Brian would be proud of, and he wanted me to be happy, not guilty.