The minute I knew Brian was dead, time has never again made any sense to me or straightened itself out.
It's amazing how I can feel like seconds have gone by since I've last seen him, while at the same time feeling like it's been an eternity since I've heard his voice. Days get confused, milestones and memories start to overlap and get confusing, and worst of all - when time stopped for me, it continued on for the rest of the world.
Lately, I've been feeling so far away from the day Brian died. Not him, but that day - so much life has happened in between since then that it feels light years away. I keep having flashbacks of that day while feeling so far removed from it. Like I've gotten used to this day to day without him that sometimes I hardly remember where I was before. It's a horrifying feeling.
But then I step in the shower and see a bottle of shampoo...one still remaining from the few that were bought mysteriously and stocked in my house after Brian died, and I realize that it wasn't that long ago...
He was just here.
Or I walk past the closet where some of his shirts hang that still carries the scent of him and remember that...
He was just here.
It's a hard truth to face to know that time will continue to move forward without Brian. That each day we all get a little further from him, less people will think about him, and we will continue to grow and change without him. And no matter how far away he feels, and no matter how much time doesn't seem to make sense...
He was just here.
Brian's little brother Edwin got married this weekend. There was no best man because that was Brian's job. Edwin wore Brian's shiny black shoes. He may have lost his big brother, but time has marched on and he married his love, starting a new life without his brother to give him away.
From the American flags in the flower arrangements, to Edwin's shoes, in his eyes, overflowing with love for his new bride...
Brian was just here.
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