I feel (fill in the blank).

I just feel ______.

I'd really love to fill that blank with some word, something to put a definition behind.
I just don't know about anything anymore; uncertain about how I feel about the world and about myself. And now I can't just blame apathy because I know I'm feeling something. It's 3:37 am and I only know that I don't know anything.

Today, I asked myself "What am I looking for? What do I want?"

I suppose I meant from life. The only answer that I could think of was that I'm searching for some place/point/moment in time where everything isn't so gray. Where colors mean something, and I can look at a beautiful day and know what that's supposed to mean.

I think I am sad again. Before I think I was depressed, now I don't know. I think I'm just sad. At the moment I can't really say I hate anything. I feel anxiety when I think of my situation and try to pinpoint what I feel.

There are things I can't fix. These things that will never be fixed no matter how much I try to put a pretty bow around it. There are people I'd like to see again but I know I never will no matter how much I wish it.

Life just is.

It's not fair but that's life.

I’m just tired. I’ve been doing this for what feels like a lifetime and it's getting old. No matter what direction I take in life, I end up right back where I started.

There’s supposed to be some sort of happy ending but there isn’t.

There’s just me.

I am not contributing anything to this world. What is the point of being alive if you matter to no one? There is no point. Something inside of us makes us want to believe in the greater good...the fairy tale ending.

The story of endurance, and through that endurance, success.

That story may be true for some but it is not true for all. Some people are not loved or wanted. What does it benefit anyone to live in misery and then die alone? We are here to make a difference. To cry, laugh, grow, and in the end, say our lives meant something, no matter how small. What about those whose lives mean nothing? What about the people who are so insignificant that all that they are: their voice, their fingers, their thoughts, their dreams, can be wiped away and burned into dust without so much as a glance from the world.

Have you ever wished someone wonderful would just walk into your life one day who was always kind, upbeat, and caring, and wanted to always check up on you, spend time with you and try to cheer you up? Someone who never seemed to get sad and possessed some sort of mysterious immunity to hardship and loss? You would get to see them everyday and they were always very happy to see you.

You might wonder if they were either insane or had an ulterior motive at first, but you eventually realize they were simply friendly and good.

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone like that in your life? They could end up either as your best friend or even the love of your life.

I got lucky once. It most likely won't happen again. And that is not bitterness...that is the truth.

So today, I feel ______.