8/28/2016
We would have been married 7 years today. And I'm like eh, it's just another day. It's not special anymore. You were the reason it was special.
So, today, while I'm at home with my new man and his kiddos who live in my heart, I'll remember that you loved me and we were married for awhile and it was grand.
I'll always love you, Brian Singer. And I'll take the love you showed me how to do, and give it to Paul.
Because he loves me too.
I hired a lawyer almost three years ago trying to get Brian's death to be classified as service-connected. I spent weeks gathering his medical records from the Marine Corps and from the various hospitals and doctors he saw during the course of his cancer treatments. I filled out millions of forms and fielded hundreds of phone calls. I replied to thousands of emails from the lawyer and other veteran-related agencies. I answered questions. I asked questions.
I questioned the questions.
Two weeks ago, I was at work when my cell phone rang. I couldn't answer it, so it went to voicemail. My first thought was...what more can they possibly want from me? I kept working. It's another message wanting something else from me. Whatever. It can wait.
Nope. I couldn't wait anymore. I listened to the message. The lawyer's assistant, Nichole, said she needed me to call her back as soon as possible. We had won his case and we needed to go over the details and she needed my checking account information and she needed to verify this and that.....
Wait. What?
We. Won. His. Case.
The VA has awarded him service-connected death. His death was caused by cancer. His cancer was service-related.
It's been almost six years since he died.
Finally they admit the truth. Finally it's been recognized. Finally his death was not in vain.
Five years ago, Brian's heart beat for the last time. I thought mine did too.
This past weekend, I watched a movie called "The Fault In Our Stars"...about a girl with cancer who loves a boy with cancer...and he dies. I cried almost the entire movie.
I felt every single emotion I ever had when Brian died...all over again. Pain. Fear. Overwhelming sadness. Lonliness. Aloneness. Questions without answers. The void.
Why did I watch this movie? Why?!?! I wish someone had told me not to.
I've been dating someone for a little while now, and I've pretty much moved in with him. Paul came home from work and found me blubbering like a fool on the couch, realized what I was watching, sat down with me, and hugged me through my wave of sad.
Five years ago, I lost my love, the one whom my soul loved. I never, in a million lifetimes, thought I would be so lucky again with a love such as that. I am happy to say that I have found that again...with Paul.
I'm not sure I deserve him, or his love, but I am most certain Brian would approve. And I will do everything I can everyday to let him know how much I love and appreciate him.
Brian is with me...ALWAYS. And now, Paul is with me too.
I am doubly blessed on this 5th Angel Day.
I'm dating again.
I'm with a man who loves me. The same feeling I had only once before is the same feeling I get with Paul.
I've dated since Brian died. I had a steady boyfriend for a year. But I never had this feeling with any of them. I never felt like THIS.
I've been given a second chance. I didn't think this would happen again for me.
There will always be a piece of my heart which belongs to Brian. He was a part of me. He taught me to love. And now, because of him, I can love again.
I will always love Brian. Now, six years later, I'm in love with Paul. And it's wonderful.
I think Brian would approve.
This is how you get unstuck.
You reach.
Not so you can walk away from the husband you loved, but so you can live the life that is yours...the one that includes the sad loss of your husband, but is not arrested by it.
The one that eventually leads you to a place in which you not only grieve him, but also feel lucky to have had the privilege of loving him. That place of true healing is a fierce place.
It’s a giant place. It’s a place of monstrous beauty and endless dark and glimmering light. And you have to work really, really, really hard to get there, but you can do it.
I'm a woman who can travel that far. I know it. My ability to get there is evident in the life I've lead everyday since he died.
As I mark the fourth anniversary of my husband's death this Monday (6 October) it always brings up so many emotions about what our future may have been. People have asked me over the years if I have “gotten over” his death. I will never get over the loss, but I have reconciled myself to it.
That said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how it’s even possible to do so? The simple answer is YES! I did find hope for my future and I did move forward with my life. Was it easy? Absolutely not. I took one day at a time, which turned into weeks, months, and now years.
Each year on the anniversary of his death, I do something meaningful (to me) to honor his death. This year, I want to honor his memory by making a donation in his name to an organization he loved.
And I encourage you to do the same.
His favorite charity was the Marine Corps Toys for Tots program. Contact your local representative, or log on to www.toysfortots.org and click on "in memory/in tribute" and donate in memory of Brian.
Even in death, Brian has taught me so much. I’ve recently realized that he taught me something that most people do not know: to love deeply, honestly, and openly.
You'll need my address for TfT:
3240 W Sunset Ave Eagleville, PA 19403
And my email:
