all along

Original date 5 May 2012

There's a poignant quote from a book that I truly related to in the first days and months after my love's death:

"My heart was chilled to ice. I felt ill with grief. But there was no time for frozen shock. Something in me did not want to give up on life, was unwilling to let go, wanted to fight the very end. Where that part of me got the heart, I don’t know."

I didn't know how I could still live...still breathe...without my other half on earth...by my side.

I turned on all things and people around me...believed in nothing....loathed my fear that deterred me from taking my own life.

But now I know.

Know how that part of me remembered I had the heart to keep living, to keep breathing...but most importantly, to keep growing, giving, and healing.

He did.

You see, Brian was not in the Marine Corps for his life career...only 11 years...as a way to feel challenged in life....to feel as if he was making a difference...to feel passion for something outside of himself and for those around him.

I never quite understood it. Understood the ability to be willing to risk one's own life for another he barely knew. To pursue a career that no one around him could even fathom doing.

And yet Brian followed his heart . Became whole. Helped his comrades grow...pursue their dreams....find purpose. The same purpose he was once looking for but had found...if only for a short period in time.

That's how I had the heart to keep going.

He showed me...gave me the ability to say, that my love died doing what he loved, followed the path wholeheartedly, and had no fear when passion was the guiding light.

He gave me the ability to see that I could do the same...find that passion, pursue it, change my own life and hopefully those around me, and, when the moment comes....one day....one decade...one hundred years from now...and fate meets me face to face....those who know me will be able to say the same, as I've been able to say for my husband.

All because I realized not where I got the heart from...but was reminded that I had it all along.