all I want for Christmas

Original post 8 December 2011

Anyone who reads this knows what I would like for Christmas if I could have whatever I wanted...

I also know that's an impossibility.

I could sit and count every moment that I am missing my love. Every scenario that lacks my spouse. Every tradition that falls flat without his presence.

Or I can try to find the glow that once existed in the holiday season. I can remember the laughter and hope to feel the love that was and, hopefully, is somehow still held for me by Brian.

There are times that I feel that the "celebration" part of December is lost on me. There are certainly moments that I fantasize about ripping off and stomping on those reindeer antlers affixed to jolly people's car windows.

But this year, I can't help but think, "What would Brian want me to do at Christmas?" And under all my gloom and "bah humbug-ing," I find a little bit of holiday joy bubble up from somewhere forgotten.

I remember his beloved traditions: lifesaver books, and drinking large amounts of Irish cream all day in his morning coffee. My favorite memory is his hilarious way of wrapping my presents (in toilet paper for instance).

So this Christmas, I will buy the lifesaver books, stock the cupboard with large amounts of Baileys even though I don't drink coffee. Although I will most likely forgo the strange wrapping paper, I will buy myself something that HE would have bought me. Something that would make me smile and feel loved. Something just for me.

And I will force myself to stop my fantasies involving vandalizing the ornamentation on Christmas revelers vehicles......Okay, maybe not. But I won't actually do the damage.

I am sure that there will be sad and lonely times. But I will be damned if I do not smile and let the warmth of his love and the love of my family warm my heart.

Because, really, that is all anyone could want or need.