home is where the heart is?

Original date 23 January 2012

To stay, to move, to rent, to buy, to just keep pushing the decision back another day...

Where we call home is an essential part of our lives. It is such a difficult decision to leave the place that has been such a wonderful home. This October will be two years without my husband. I can't tell you how many times my mind has been over the should I move, should I stay debate since the one year mark.

The unhappiness of who I'm living without will follow me. I have to think long and hard about why I want to move. Is it an attempt to escape the pain, which is fruitless? Is it an attempt to run from the memories...also pointless? I feel that unhappiness would follow me even if I did move. My unhappiness has nothing to do with where I live. It has everything to do with whom I am living without.

Unfortunately, I still get clammy-handed and heart-skippy when I think of living in a new place. That anxiety isn't relieved by this added resolve to move.

It's the first thing I think about when I wake up (often in the middle of the night) and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It's never far from my mind throughout the activities of the day, either.

But just because I fear it doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.

It's hard. Physically and mentally hard. But there is so much good to counter that hard that I think I need to hang out awhile longer and see what happens next.

I sometimes wonder why I'm working so hard to continue to live here. Am I doing it because I am holding onto a life that no longer exists? Am I doing it because the thought of starting over is just too much? Or maybe, I am doing it because it still feels right. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

All I can say for sure at this point is that I need a change and I need to be near opportunities. AND I don't have dependents relying on me to be stable. I can experiment and see where life takes me without worrying about anyone's needs but my own.