reminders of forever

Original date 5 April 2011

I sometimes wonder if I knew our time would be short. 

When we met, I knew he was the one.  Do you believe in souls meeting again? Maybe I lost him too soon in a prior life and that knowledge stayed with me into this life.  I don't know what I believe along those lines, but it is something I wonder about on nights when I can't sleep.

I still have moments where I need to tell myself to breathe.  I have stopped worrying about what will be and just worry about how I will be each day.

Sometimes I leave the TV on all night.  I can see the flickering lights down the hallway from the bedroom and the faint murmurs of sound that travel to me break the total silence in my room.  The sound of my own breathing at night seems louder than all the sounds that filled the air when Brian was sleeping next to me. 

Those sounds that disturb you while you are trying to sleep let you know there is someone next to you in the still of the night.  My breathing echoes throughout the empty room...a constant reminder that I am alone in my bed.  Not even the TV can distract from that.

You learn the true meaning of forever with the death of a loved one.  All other forevers are simply warps in time.  "I wish you could stay like this forever," "This is taking forever," "You're grounded forever," "Will he stay mad forever?" "I will love you forever."

Nothing lasts forever.....except death.

All the forevers we complain about or are excited about are not really forever.