maybe...maybe not

Original date 24 August 2011

I recently heard about another widow … widowed after me … she has found someone new.

She is quite in love.

This makes me sad. Not about her happiness. Just that I am nowhere NEAR being there. I don’t even want to look for someone new, even though I just want to be happily married again ... not right now … but I want to be happily married to Brian. Nobody else will do.

I guess it is good that I know myself well enough to see that I am not ready. That I would only be using another person as a crutch... expecting characteristics and quirks that only belong to Brian and me ...expecting another person to drag me out of this hell.

I know I will never be that same, undamaged person I used to be.

That's OK.

But I do want to be comfortable in my own skin. Comfortable with my own abilities to steer us through this life. I want to be able to give as much as I get from someone new....

But.
I’m not there.
Not yet.

When I met Brian, I had a deal with God that I’d have a thumping realization when I met my “Mr Right."
I’d had enough of bad boyfriends and I didn’t want to spend any more time with people who were … well … just NOT right for me.

So I had sworn off men until I got that kick, that thump, that nod from above that *This One* was my Mr Right ... and frankly, Brian couldn’t have come with any more bells and whistles. It was almost like he was wearing a flashing neon sign saying “I’m Mr. Right."

It was obvious to both of us from the minute we met.... obvious to everyone else too.... We were Meant To Be.

So what worries me is that while I’m here, forsaking all others, pining after a dead man …. that I may miss the next flashing neon light.

But it’s a risk I will have to take, and just have faith in my gut feeling that I won’t be alone for the remaining (50?) years of my life.

I just hope that the next good man to come into my life remembers to wear his "Mr Right" name badge so I recognize him.....