a difference

Original date 1 March 2012

In the midst of missing Brian, I miss me. Or rather…Pre-Widow Kimberly.

Sometimes I really miss her. I miss the person I was before an evil illness invaded my home and settled into my life; the most unwelcome of houseguests imaginable.

The person I was before that evil stole a husband away.

The person I was before darkness cloaked and enveloped me.

Pre-Widow Kimberly was a lot of fun…even occasionally frivolous.

She was fun and flirty and laughed easily. She ate pizza for breakfast and wondered what she was going to wear out on Friday night.

She trusted people implicitly, for no one had ever before given her any real reason not to (well, except for certain idiot ex-boyfriends…but that's another story).

Pre-Widow Kimberly had a lot more patience…with everything and everyone; with little annoyances and great big crises.

She wasn't afraid of life or love or much of anything. That Kimberly was pretty cool.

Then Post-Widow Kimberly showed up…and at first, I wasn't sure I liked her very much.

She wasn't a lot of fun to be around. The frivolity and the lightness had disappeared.

Laughter was rare.

It seemed like Post-Widow Kimberly complained a lot...about pretty much everything. She was an embittered person; stung by the abandonment and betrayal of many of those people she once trusted implicitly.

Post-Widow Kimberly didn't seem to have much patience anymore...for anything. A lengthy red signal light, a long line at the grocery checkout…it didn't take much to set her off on a profanity-filled rant.

And this Kimberly is always afraid.

Anxious.
Nervous.

Never one to worry needlessly, Post-Widow Kimberly seems to now worry constantly. About all things large and small.

What people say. What people think. Who will die next.

All in all…Post-Widow Kimberly seemed like one great big drag...on everything and everyone around her.

And then I took another good look at Post-Widow Kimberly. I looked past all the not-so-great stuff (which was and is all true) and started examining a few other things about Post-Widow Kimberly that are different from Pre-Widow Kimberly.

Post-Widow Kimberly nursed and "buried" a husband…and somehow managed to survive the emotional and financial devastation of it all.

This Kimberly is stronger than Pre-Widow Kimberly ever thought she could be. She offers a steely resolve that lets the world around her know that it might knock her down…but she will never stay down. She will never cut-and-run if and when the going gets tough.

Post-Widow Kimberly doesn't trust quite as easily or implicitly because she learned a life lesson but she still believes in the inherent good in people and as a result, now counts many new and wonderful friendships that will last a lifetime.

She learned to leave the bitterness behind because bitterness gnaws away at the soul and drains energy that is better spent elsewhere in positive and productive ways.

She embraced the fact that the reason she is so anxious and afraid of losing loved ones is because that is the cost of loving that passionately and deeply.

And she realized how lucky she is to have had that kind of love in her life.

Post-Widow Kimberly learned what is worth fighting over or about and when to simply step over "it" and walk away.

And life got a lot easier.

I realize that because I am a completely different person, some of that post-widow stuff isn't going to change.

My patience level is still pretty low. I'm still afraid every day of losing someone or something that I desperately love.

And a "negative" will always affect me more than it should regardless of from whom or from where that negative originates.

I suppose in some ways, I'll always miss Pre-Widow Kimberly; for I will never be that person ever again.

But all in all…Post-Widow Kimberly isn't so bad. In fact, she's kind of cool too.