it's got me and won't let go

Original date 15 March 2011

I can't do this alone.  And yet, what is the option?  I have discovered there is no option.  No one knows this pain.  Oh, people can sympathize, and other widows can empathize, but can someone else truly understand?  I don't think so.

The determination to "manage," to "cope," to do as much unassisted as possible, is the widow's prerogative.  You might argue that it's a sign of her wish to appear to be, which is not the same as being, self-sufficient.  Or you might argue that it's a symptom of her derangement.  But then, in the early minutes/hours/days of widowhood, what is not, if examined closely, a symptom of derangement?

It was so strange walking away from him.  Was it really possible that I was just going to leave him there?  Is it possible that he's really not coming home with me?  Such a thought is too profound for me to grasp.  My brain hurts trying to contain it.

I don't know what to do.

I'm living in a nightmare.  This is utterly unbelievable.  I feel so completely alone.

There are bouts of loneliness and a sense of purposelessness.  I feel so easily breakable.

There aren't enough words to describe this pain.

Today, it was the stomach-turning kind, producing that urge to bolt, or run, or somehow try to squirm away from its source.  Impossibly agonizing.  Unavoidable.  Sometimes, the evil behind death peers through and it seems such a horror and makes me wish I was a screamer.  Instead, silent tears slip down my cheeks.

Tonight, the pain and sadness are specific and profound.  I fear that this experience with pain may not be momentary, but might settle down on me as a permanent condition, an incurable disease, an overwhelming and unmoving cloud cover.

This time it's got me and may never let go.