I'm in no hurry

Original date 6 September 2011

I struggle to find something of substance to talk about.  Usually there is something that I have been mulling over throughout the day, or something that has been with me throughout the week, but sometimes I just feel empty.

I'm not a numbers girl, don't really turn to them to find order in my life. I don't usually look to them to validate where I am with each given day, which I know is of help to some. Yet it is September again, which means my birthday is right around the corner...and Brian's first death day is approaching. For me though, September will always be a reminder of the end.

One year ago I was approaching the final month of my husband's life. I felt like I was running a marathon, as there was so much to do in his day to day care. Yet in my marathon there was no winner, and there was definitely no victory lap.

I'm always aware of how much my life has slowed down since that day. The majority of my life seemed to come to an end that day. And trying to regain the pace of life has not been that easy. I think the main reason for this has been a lack of motivation. I haven't fully come to a place where life feels worth much of the effort, or that there could possibly be a payoff worth the effort.

It's not like I feel this way 24/7. I work hard at my job, and I really feel a sense of pride when I accomplish a goal or receive positive feedback. I keep my home together, and have created a new life for myself. I enjoy the benefits of being close to my family. Yet, with each of these, I still feel so empty and stagnate.

I think I tend to compartmentalize each of these areas of my life, and feel the lack of something significant that should string them all together. At the end of each day I sit here and wonder if any of the day's events were really worth the effort, as I just end up in the same place, feeling the same sense of emptiness.

Okay, this is all terribly depressing. Yet, so is much of my life. There is really no reason to sugar coat this. I know it won't be like this forever. Well, I suppose I don't really know that. At least people tell me it won't always feel this way, and I want to believe them. Truth be told, I don't expect much to change. I busy myself with distractions. I put out some effort in hope that something will change for me. Whether it happens or not is really not in my control. All I can do us get up each day, go to work, come home, make dinner, take care of the household, surf the net, and sit.

After all, sitting is not a bad thing. It is kind of a reward after accomplishing all the trivial pieces of life that sustain me, but do not feed me. Some day something, or someone, will come along and give me reason to get up and do something new.

In the meantime, I'm in no hurry.