would Brian be happy?

Original date 3 April 2012

...to know that I'm  ready to be in a relationship with someone?  Would he be happy to know that  I might even love someone else?

A friend asked me how it's possible to reconcile the love of two men...one very much alive, the other...very much dead.

I told her that I'm not sure how it's possible, but it is.  And that's a fact.

I guess it's got to be the way a pregnant woman feels when expecting her second child.  You wonder how in the the world you are going to be able to love this next child as much as you love your first.  And you doubt that it's possible.  But then the moment that second child arrives  you wonder what in the world you were thinking?!  You hold that baby and forget any doubt that you ever had.  The second that child arrives your heart grows bigger.  Big enough to hold another person.

It's the same when you fall in love.At first, you can NOT imagine ever loving another person the way you loved your spouse.  You know that it's not possible to love another man...ever.  In fact, you find that thought appalling.  You still feel married.  There is no room in your heart for another love.  And there never will be.

But then one day, when you least expect it you meet someone. Someone who is special enough to catch your attention. And you feel a strange sensation in your heart. Like it beats a little faster.  Or skips one or two beats. You decide that you'd like to know more about this person.  And he feels the same way about you.

Then one day, one day that seems no different than any other day, you realize something. You realize that your heart has somehow grown a bit larger.  And you never saw it coming.

You didn't really feel it happening.You just wake up one day and know that something feels "different." Your heart now holds love for two people.  And it's nothing short of a miracle.  And 100% possible.

And I'm here to prove it. Brian is in my heart. Brian will always be in my heart.

Always.
Forever.

And yet my heart has grown larger. And now holds love for another man. A man who is different from Brian. A man who knows he's not in a competition with Brian. A man who is secure in the knowledge that I love Brian, will always love Brian...and now I love him.  I love him as much as I loved Brian.

And that is truly a miracle.

What would Brian think of this? What DOES Brian think of this?

I think he's thrilled.

I believe that he's as happy with this new love as I am. I know that in Brian's heart...after God...I was number one. Just as he was in mine.

He wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to feel loved. And secure. And special.

Just as I would want him to feel those things.

People who have not been widowed don't get it. Just one more thing they don't get. I'm glad that they don't. I hope they never need to.

But for me...I'm  learning things I never wanted to know. Like it's possible to love another person...and not feel guilty or disloyal to Brian. At least I hope I'm learning that.  Or will learn it. Because true love wants only the best for its love.

Always.

I know that Brian wanted nothing but the best for me. And he would love the man who loves me the way he did.

A man who puts me first. A man who loves me unconditionally.

Yes, there have been times when I've wondered if it's worth it to love another man and risk losing another
one. Is it worth giving my heart away again...perhaps to lose it all over again? There have been days when

I've thought, "No.  Don't love another man...you'll never survive that kind of loss again."

But I know that Brian would not want that for me. He wouldn't want me to guard my heart so tightly that I never feel love again. He wouldn't want me to be afraid to give my heart away...to feel too fragile to love and be loved.

And truthfully, I don't want that for me, either.

If I had my life and love to live all over again with Brian, knowing that I would lose him as tragically and as early as I did...I would still choose to love him all over again.

His love was worth the grief.

All love is worth the grief.

Being loved, feeling loved, giving love...is worth the risk.

Brian would think so. And I've learned to agree with him.