my AHA lightbulb moment

Original date 11 April 2011

I took off my wedding rings this weekend.

I did this once before, shortly after he died, and literally had panic attacks every night for the week that I had them off.  I hyperventilated.  I wept uncontrollably.  I didn't eat.  I didn't sleep.  I sank into a dark abyss of sadness, disdain, I-could-care-less, shoulder-shrugging, depression.  So, I gave in and put them back on.  The craziness stopped.  It's been a tough road pulling myself out of that hole.

Taking my rings now off feels like a huge weight being lifted off of me, and I can finally breathe again.  I am not overwhelmed with this whole widow thing.  I'm OK.

When you marry someone, you take a vow..."til death do us part" and you bind yourself to that person..."til death do you part."  You become one half of a whole.  You cleave to that person...you leave your parents and the familiarity of everything you have ever known and embark on this great adventure into the unknown called marriage.

Brian died.  We are separated by death.  I am no longer "bound" to him.

This "A-HA the lightbulb went on over my head" moment makes me sad, because a part of me will always belong to him, so I will never be "whole" in that sense of the word again. He will always be my husband, but I am no longer his wife. I am Kimberly again.  I will heal, and repair, and be patched up, but I will have a crack, which I'm sure will once in a while spring a leak.

And that's OK.

I've come to realize that I am a better person for going through this experience with death.  I am more compassionate.  I am more sympathetic.  I am stronger.  I am wiser.  I don't want to be perfect.  I want to be flawed.

I don't know if the sadness that's come over me now is because I've finally come to terms with not being bound anymore, or if it's because I'm not sad anymore.  I am in a better place, mentally, to think about this latest development.