spectrum

Original date 11 December 2011

I'm not in love with him. I stopped being in love with him a long time ago. Don't get me wrong...I loved him with every fiber of my being. I loved him deeply and truly.

But the "in love" was gone before he died.

Most days, I found myself on the opposite end of that spectrum. Most days, I hated.

I hated cancer. I hated the medicine. I hated the treatments. I hated the doctors. I hated the drives to the hospital. I hated him for being sick. I hated what my life had become. I hated that the passion and verve was gone. I hated that he was dying. I hated that I couldn't fix it. I hated me for hating everything. I hated being angry. I hated being sad. I  hated that he left me. I hated that he died.

The hate in me was overwhelming some days. The anger I felt and the injustice of what was happening made my situation much worse.

I was the grieving, angry and sad widow...and I hated that.

Now here I am, 14 months into the journey called widowhood...and I'm not grieving, but I'm still sad. I'm not angry, but I'm still sad. The sad isn't overwhelming anymore either.

I've come to terms with the sad.

I'll always be sad. Even when or if I find someone new, remarry, have a family...there will always be a part of me that is sad.

Sad for what will never be. Sad for things he will never do. Sad for places he will never go. Sad for the future he will never have.

He will always be my past, no matter what my future holds. No matter what I do, where I go, who I'm with, he will always have a piece of who I am.

And that makes me smile.