the day after

Original date 14 March 2012

I was thinking yesterday about the day after Brian died. Revisiting that day makes my skin crawl, literally.

Mentally I can now stand at a distance and watch myself try to outrun the pain; walk around in circles hoping that once another full revolution is complete I'd wake up from the nightmare; and stare at each of my friends and family in turn seeking something in their face that would show me how I was going to live the rest of my life without Brian.

There isn't enough mental distance available to protect my heart from the waves of pain that still radiate around that day.

September 30 I loved my life. October 7, 2010 I did not want to live the life that was traumatically dropped into my lap.

On some level I knew I would find a way to make it through the days ahead, but I was certain those days would be devoid of both happiness and joy.

And all I could do was put one foot in front of the other.