happy?

Original date 19 January 2012


Occasionally, I am bouyed by a lightness and happiness that I can't explain. I worry at times that I have 'lost the plot' so to speak. That I'm a nut job about to slip over the edge. I mean, really, I've had a shit of a last year. I lost my husband/best friend,  and my sweet and wonderful grandfather. I am scraping to make ends meet. I am alone. But somedays, inexplicably, I am happy.

I feel traitorous saying that and even worry that some people will misinterpret these pockets of joy thinking that I don't miss Brian with every breath I take while wishing he were here to enjoy these upswings and bubbles of bliss.

In fact, I only think that it is because of the loss of Brian that I can feel this.

Before he died, I was bogged down with worry about vacuous and frivolous things. I could see how I had been wronged in every situation. I could find fault and anger everywhere. I am still 'blessed' with this ridiculous and terrible gift...but I am also learning to be able to turn it off. I am concentrating so hard on trying to see the positive, to feel joy, to search for the good in an effort to not drown in grief, that I am learning to shut out that sinister and nepharious self-destructive voice.

When that voice is silent, I feel joy. Pure, warm joy. I can feel sadness and pain alongside it, but I can still turn my face to the light and smile. This, the ability to force myself to stare through rose-colored glasses, has been the largest gift that Brian has given me...it is just such a shame that it has been in the loss of him that I have found this gift.

I wish we could have shared our life together with this realization in mind....and not just the cognitive recognition of this, but the actual realization that I have had since losing my love.