something profound

Original date 12 April 2011 (this is exactly 2 years to the day that he proposed)

I've wrestled with this thought since Brian was first diagnosed with cancer.  I've dreamed about it.  I've prayed about it.  I've stewed about it.  I've cried about it.  I've been angry.  I've been  sad.  I've been depressed.  I've been bitter.  I've been ashamed.  I've been guilt-stricken. Why is this happening to me?  What did I do to deserve this?

I. I. I. Me. Me. Me. 

Do you notice the pattern?  I did.  I am appalled at this level of selfishness in me.

When did this become about me?

What I've discovered is that it wasn't about me.  It was never about me.  It was about Brian.  My time with Brian was to help HIM fight this battle. It was to help HIM go through this.  It was to be with HIM so HE wouldn't be alone.

My job was to hold his hand and walk with him through the valley of the shadow of death and then help him let go as he went to meet his Savior on the other side of here.

I am profoundly humbled by the opportunity to serve my God in such a way...to walk with and be a part of the gift He gave us all in Brian.  For Brian was truly special.  He was far from perfect, but he showed me how to love and how to accept love, and that is perfect.

So, what was in it for me after all? I got to love and be loved by a great guy.  I got to witness God's love through Brian.  I got to be a part of something special. I got to help assure Brian met his Savior.  I got to see Brian escorted home by the angels.  I learned that love is unconditional.  Love accepts all things. 

I didn't deserve Brian, but that is God's grace and mercy in action, and I got to witness a miracle.