I'm struggling with a wave...

...that yet again, I never saw coming.

I have no idea where it came from, nor why it chose to hit now, especially since I haven't experienced a wave in more time than I can remember.

Yes, they still come, though they come only infrequently now. Thankfully. But when they come, they are still powerful. They still come to me by complete surprise, sneaking up on my while my eyes are on the shore, not scanning the horizon, watching for them, like in the old days. They still have the power to knock me to my knees, and to threaten to pull me under with their powerful undertow.

But I am stronger now.  My legs may go out from under me, but I will not be pulled out to sea so easily.
I may stay on my knees for a while, but I will not be beaten by this wave.


And that is a very important thing to know.

Two years ago, I would not have said that.  I could not have said that. The waves that hit me relentlessly, one after another, did threaten to pull me out to sea. And after so many waves, I wanted to be pulled out.
I was beyond exhausted. I had no strength left.

Or so I thought.

But here I am...almost two years later, not doubting at all the strength that is within me.

And I guess that that is the point of my words today.


To tell myself that even though the waves do come this far out...they are coming less frequently and they will not pull me under anymore.

Because I am stronger day by day, month by month, year by year.

I'm sad.
I'm missing him.
I'm missing what our family was "before."
I'm missing so very much.

And I'm struggling.
In spite of having love in my life.
In spite of being loved the way Brian loved me.
In spite of...

The waves still come.
But I will survive.
This wave does not have the power the earlier ones had.

I suppose that waves will always come. No matter how many years go by. No matter who's in my life.
No matter how much I am loved and how much I love. I will always miss that man and what we had.

I will always miss what we never had the chance to have.

But I will continue to get stronger.