invincible

Original date 30 March 2011

People assume that because Brian had cancer, I did all my grieving in advance.....we were able to put our affairs in order, had a chance to travel, had an opportunity to say goodbye.   And for the most part, I did.

Not all people who have cancer and later die of the disease are diagnosed as terminal from the start.  Some can survive for many years, and through many surgeries before they succumb.  Brian was sick for many months...he was in and out of the hospital for over a year.  There were many surgeries.  He went into remission for a few months, and was close to death a few times, but he always bounced back.  He took us for quite a roller coaster ride.  To tell you the truth, I thought he was invincible.  I never thought he'd die.  I had so much hope.

If a person's body gets sick and the person looks sick and he acts sick, the death of that person will seem real, because you have already experienced so many losses due to the illness.  It is hard to deny the fact of a death when you see a great big, bad-ass Marine who loved to sing and dance and run and lift weights turn to 100 pounds of skin and bones at the end, and suffer excruciating pain.  It is hard to deny the fact of a death when he loses his intellectual functioning , can no longer read or write, or know his own name, and his personality changes due to a brain tumor.  On the other hand, it is easy to deny the death when the cancer doesn't show on the outside of the body and there is no pain or loss of function.

I felt a sense of relief when Brian died....relief that he is no longer in pain. Relief that I won't have to watch him suffer, relief that the stress and disruption of daily hospital visits has ended, relief that other family members and friends will get some attention.  Of course I'm angry....and it's selfish of me to think this...but I would rather have him in the hospital forever than not have him here at all.  I also feel guilty for being so relieved.

I think I have a cancer letdown of sorts.  When Brian was sick, I used all my resources to care for him.  I educated myself about his disease, shopped around for doctors, learned how to be  a nurse to help care for him.  I tried to be loving and cheerful, patient and kind, thoughtful and considerate, when all the while I was tired and frustrated,  depressed, and angry.  I prayed for him, and with him, and got others to pray for him and with him.  I changed the way I cooked for him.  I lived and breathed cancer and he died anyway.

Where do I put my resources now?