meaningful moments

Original date 26 September 2011

I feel like I am wasting my time away. I feel like whatever it is I am doing in this moment is insignificant.

Why is it that after a year my life still feels somewhat insignificant? Before Brian died, every moment was significant. I was always busy taking care of him, researching cancer trials, filling prescriptions, and being mindful of every waking moment. Everything I did was either for Brian, or with Brian. Every moment of joy was spent with him. I didn't want to lose a single second of my time with him. I didn't want to look back and regret moments that could have been spent loving him.

I remember how after he died, I felt like time just stood still. It was like nothing else mattered anymore. It was like suddenly my other half was gone, yet the void wasn't half of me, it was all of me. I have since struggled to regain a sense of feeling complete, and finding joy as a single adult once again. And, there is joy, and there is pleasure. Yet at times like this, with nothing, or no one to rush home to, time doesn't really seem to have the same value.

My weekends are the same. I do absolutely nothing. For many people, the idea of doing absolutely nothing is highly valued. Others complain about being too busy, and having no time to slow down and appreciate what they have. Yet for me, at least for now, I still have too much time on my hands. I think that in time my daily life will be filled with more moments of value, but I also think that I'm just not wanting to fill it with a bunch of insignificant moments. I don't want to busy myself, unless I become busy with things that truly mean a lot to me. What those will be I'm not sure.

So, I will continue to remind myself that as long as I find myself contemplating these thoughts while I'm out and about, then I'm on the right track. In time, moments like this will begin to feel significant once again, and I will find myself valuing every one of them.