is it just me...

Original date 28 December 2011

...or does anyone else ever feel like moving away and starting over?

From everyone that knew them "before" and from all of those friends who can't seem to see you as anything but "different" and it all seems to get worse as time goes on?

I have now passed the 1 year mark.
This is my life.
I am no longer married.
I am single.
I get that.

And yes, I am different than I was, but I'm pretty much accustomed to the fact that my husband is dead, has been dead for a year and isn't coming back. I want to be treated the same way that they treated me a year ago. I don't want to be treated with "kid gloves." I don't want to stand out in any way.

I just want to be Kimberly.

But that's not what's happening. My "couple" friends seem to feel like I'll fall apart if I find out they're doing things together, as couples. So they do things, but they feel like they can't let me know. I hate that. And I don't get it. It's been a year.

If I'm used the to the fact that I'm not married anymore, why aren't they?
I live in a smallish community. Many people knew "us". We've lived here for a few years and have been very active. So most people remember. They remember Brian and they remember Brian and me. And I guess they have certain expectations...or maybe they have no idea what to expect and so they go out of their way to not treat me the same.

All I know is, that after a year...I feel like I need to move away. I need to move somewhere where no one knew "us". No one sees me as Kimberly, Brian's widow.

Poor Kimberly.

I don't want friends to feel that they have to treat me in some special way. I don't want friends to feel that I expect to be treated in some special way. I'm sick to death of being "special" because I'm a widow.

And I'm ready to move forward. Wherever that may be.

I realize that I'm the "first" person to be widowed amongst almost all of my friends. I realize that this has all been new for them, too. I know that they, pretty much like me, don't know what they're doing, so I can't blame them for flying blind here. But come on!  It's been a freaking year!

Trust me...I know he's dead!

Is this just me? Are these just my friends? Or have any of you felt this way? Have any of you actually moved to start over? That's exactly how I feel.  I want to start over. And while leaving here and leaving some of the memories would be sad, the possibility of a new place, new people, no memories and no expectations feels exciting.

 Or is this just a "phase" of being widowed? And it will pass before long because I need a change.