hopeful new year

Original date 1 January 2012

No more tears. It's New Year's Day.
Today, I celebrate what lies ahead of me. Today, I take notice of what prior new years brought my way. I know that today a friend is celebrating a wedding anniversary without her husband. I know that today another friend is remembering this as the day she met the husband who is also no longer beside her. Yet knowing each of these women, I'm sure that even if tears are falling, there are beautiful smiles on their faces.
Looking ahead to the new year is our way of projecting hope into our future. For those of us who are widowed, hope is not something we can always easily access.
Yet for me, at this point in my life, I do have hope, and more of it than expected. I know that after learning that my husband was terminally ill, I thought I lost hope. Yet, in the days that followed his emergency surgery, I found myself accessing hope that I couldn't recognize at first. It was that hope that spurred me on to seek out the right path for us as a couple, and it was that hope that allowed me to not get stuck so deep in my unexpected sorrow.
It was also that hope that provided me with two more loving years with the man I gave my heart to. After losing Brian, I felt that, once again, I had lost all ties to hope. I was not able to see beyond the pain and sorrow, even as the days and months went by. I began to question if my future carried any real meaning.
After surviving  the worst year on record, I decided to trust that hope was there, even if I didn't recognize it. I made a decision to set off in a new direction, and I trusted that there was something, not necessarily someone, out there for me.
Inside my head, I keep hearing Mick Jagger singing "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT." For those of us who find ourselves seeking, this is a bit of an understatement.
My point is this: no, I don't believe I got what I wanted. I GOT MORE.
I got a lifetime of Brian's love.
It wasn't MY lifetime of love, but it was HIS.
I know that he never stopped loving me, nor I him. I know that loving him gave me so much hope in my future. I know that loving him taught me that sometimes hope takes a different turn. Before meeting Brian, I thought love had passed me by. I had somewhat lost hope. He renewed it.
In learning that I was soon to lose Brian, I thought I had lost hope. Once again, it was renewed.
In losing Brian, I was sure that I had lost hope. Yet, here I sit, being hopeful once again.
Let's all look forward to a hopeful year. Let's say our thanks for what we had, and let's be open to what the future holds.
Happy New Year.