a word to my family and friends

Original date 11 December 2011

Something I do sometimes is try to make him a saint. I know that's not a good idea, but I only want to remember the good. I only want to remember the happy. I only want to remember him in a good light.
It's a good thing he's dead. No one could actually live up to those standards.
Brian was not a saint. Not by a long shot. But then, neither am I.
I learned to let go of the little things. I learned what to expect and what to not expect. I learned how best to communicate with him...how to put him first. I let go of my life to take care of his.
And you can't imagine how that has affected me. I grew up. I did the most selfless thing I could think of and gave up my dreams so he could live his while he still could. In the process of losing him, I lost me too.
I finally got me back to where I could be happy again and pointed in the right direction, when here comes this wonderfully crazy, full of sunshine and laughter man into my life, who I don't want to lose.
And while newness can bring excitement and happiness and fun, it does not bring a saint. And learning to be with, and communicate with someone new is exhausting. I'm not very good at this. We are learning to communicate even, and especially, without seeing each other.
A new relationship brings new lessons. And sometimes misunderstandings. And hurt feelings. And there are times I wonder, "Is this worth it?"
And you all are seeing my struggle. For that, I apologize.
But so far, the answer is YES.
However it's much easier to remain alone. It's easier to have no one to consult with. It's easier to not talk too deeply in order to avoid that whole "trust thing." It's easier to not rely on anyone else. It's easier to not have to explain certain feelings...feelings that I don't have words for.
Especially when I have to explain them to someone when I don't understand them either.
Explaining feelings is hard for me on a good day, let alone trying to explain them to someone new.
Now I'm back to square one trying to recognize the mood I'm in, what that means, how it looks and how long it might last all the while trying to explain it to someone new.
And you all are seeing my struggle. For that, I apologize.
Sometimes I'm less than aware of what's going on inside my head or heart. Those are the times when I can't find words.
Or I can't find the "right" words.
I'm not very good at this. And I don't seem to be getting any better. And if I'm honest there are those days...days when it would be much easier to be alone. Alone with my thoughts whether I understand those thoughts or not.
Easier? Yes.
Better? No.
So, do I stay in this relationship, understanding the risks? Do I stay knowing that this might not work out in spite of all of the love, all of the encouragement? Do I stay knowing there will be moments of tears because he doesn't "get it" and I can't always explain it to him? Do I stay because hopefully he'll understand that not even I always "get it," so I won't always make sense? Do I stay? Do I accept the frustration that this new relationship will bring?
So far the answer is a resounding YES!!!
In accepting the frustration, I'm also accepting the love, joy, happiness, encouragement, friendship and fun in this relationship. The good of the relationship outweighs the bad.
Hopefully it stays that way.
Because there's no such thing as a saint down here. And thank God for that. Because who would want to live with the pressure that comes with sainthood?! And really, who wants to live with perfection? I would think it would work itself out once the other person decides you aren't perfect, either.
Well, once they get past the shock :)
So I'm hanging in there. It might not be the easiest choice, but it is the better choice...it is the best choice. And I know that something good is worth fighting for.
And living with someone who you know is going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it makes you appreciate what is currently in your life.
So if I say I love you more than once a day, not only is it because it's true, but tomorrow is not promised and I don't want a day to go by where I haven't told you.
And you all are seeing my struggle, and for that, I apologize.