chapters

Original date 28 November 2011

I know my last post said that I wasn't going to write anymore. But I still have stuff to say....what else is new?!?

I now divide my life into two chapters.

Chapter one began when I met Brian. My life path suddenly became clear with him. I felt really safe and loved for the first time. We liked the little cocoon of our life and didn't want anything to compromise our time together. My future seemed clear. Easy. I actually recall saying "I wish more exciting stuff happened to me!".

In March 2009 my otherwise healthy husband felt like he had the flu. Eighteen months later, on October 6, 2010, a doctor told me he was gone. The days, hours and minutes in between are a hell it still physically hurts to recall. Some of his last words to me involved where he wanted to be -the couch with me and our cat he adored. He never made it home. His heart stopped.

The earth shifted under my feet that day. He was 32. I was 31. The pain of the first days after he died is still indescribable. It's good we forget a lot from the shock. My closest friends who witnessed every moment say it is something they wish to erase from their memories.

That was the beginning of the second chapter of my life. My life without Brian. The way I dealt with my grief was to shore myself up. I didn't want anything to do with anything. I was sad. I didn't want to infect others with my sadness. I was sad for long time.

I had a revelation a few months ago and realized I don't need to be sad anymore.

I am way stronger than I ever thought possible. As I forge ahead in this journey, I am not walking alone. I am surrounded by his spirit.  I share this journey with my family and friends. I am surrounded by the love Brian showered on me. And I am learning to take care of myself.

When Brian died I was pushed into this new world unwillingly. It turns out I can survive the worst life has to offer. I can still find parts of life to love and to be thankful for.

I have so much less fear now than in Chapter One. The worst happened. I survived. I value every minute I'm afforded now, more than ever. Time is a gift and his death was the hard way to learn this, but learn it I did.

Thoroughly.

I also learned that beauty comes with tragedy. The love and devotion my friends showed me and the strength I've found within myself are painfully beautiful. Love and loss, pain and beauty. Never one without the other.

As I move through the 14th month of my second life, my Chapter Two, I am so grateful to have my widow experience.

And I can love again.