I need a sailboat or a surfboard, I can't decide.

Original date 14 September 2011

Maybe it's just this week that is causing me to feel so many more emotions right now? I don't know. I still don't know how this grief thing works. Or, more pointedly, how it doesn't work.

All I do know is that it sucks.

It sucks that Brian's "date" is less than a month away...I just can't use the word "anniversary" to describe the annual reminder of such a horrible day.

It sucks that the hurt still hurts.

It sucks that there's no magic pill to make it stop hurting. No magic words to say, no magic actions to perform.

It just hurts until it doesn't hurt quite so much, I guess.

But there are still times...times when that wave comes rolling in behind me, quietly so that I can't hear it coming...and then it crashes over the top of me, knocking my head down and my body to my knees.

Yesterday I found myself on my knees, trying hard to push myself up out of the water so that I could grab a gasp of air before falling back down again.

It's one huge, gigantic wave. Huge. Bigger than any I've felt in quite some time. And yet I managed to keep it together. Sort of.

Yes, I cried. But it wasn't the ugly cry. That came later.

I need time and space to succumb to the wave. And succumb I do. That wave crashed down on me inside my car and it, and I, filled the car with a lot of salt water. The wave crashed so hard that I sat in the car and sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. I sobbed for missing Brian. I sobbed for doing this, all of "this", alone. I sobbed from the sheer exhaustion of it all. I sobbed for the things yet to come that I'll be doing alone. I sobbed for all of us and the unfairness of all of "this".

And then I started driving home. Sobbing. It was a long, wet drive. By the time I made it back the wave was gone. Well, mostly gone. I think it disappeared sometime during dinner. Dinner with Dave and the dog, a cheesesteak and baseball. No, not a magic elixir for taking away the hurt, but a great combination for shaking off the effects of a wave. At least it was for me.

I hope this week will get better than it was. If not, I know that the waves will pass.