worth

Original date 7 January 2012

I know that 2013 and 2014 and 2015 will come. I don't know what each year will hold, or if I'll even be in them, but I do know that living is the only answer to each day that passes...each month...each year.

He was my reason for living, and through that reasoning, I have now found reason to live for myself.

He was always someone who I planned or would have died for, but when cards dealt something unexpectedly, I knew I had to live for him, and in doing so, I found not only a reason to live for myself, but for others.

I love that I have that knowledge...I love knowing what I am alive for...and what I know I would and will die for.

That knowledge, undoubtedly, will make 2012 and beyond a year and lifetime worth living.

That is what I say to people who ask how I carry on...I am living for both of us.

For my husband because his life was ended at 32 and for me...I hope to have a longer life.

I live because he wanted this for me. When it gets dark...that very dark place where leaving seems like a far better alternative than staying...I think of him and picture his struggle to do simple things...like walking, to take a few stairs, to read the paper.

I picture him telling me he was so sad to die because our life together was so good. I remember one day when he grasped my hand in his so tightly and said with such desperation, "Live! Please don't give up. Travel, be happy, learn new things. I will be waiting for you but don't hurry. Do everything we hoped to do together."

When I am tempted to just lay down and never get up, I remember that and I live for both of us.
My husband suffered trying to live for me, for us.

It hit me recently that he didn't suffer and go through all that he did on a daily basis for 2 years to have me fall apart, not function, not LIVE after he died.

In dying and in the process of it, he taught me how to LIVE. He showed me how precious life is, what a gift it is. I realize now that my life is to live for me and that everyday that I live fully I honor both him and myself.
I'm also a little leery, slightly frightened about another New Year, but I've found that living in the present day, not looking ahead too much, is more manageable and I become less fearful.

Let's face it, we've all been through the worst that can happen and with that often brings the attitude of always "waiting for the other shoe to drop."

By celebrating the small things, even celebrating the routine, ordinary days give me the courage to say, "yes, I CAN do this, I WILL do this for me."