At first I was really ticked...

Original date 4 January 2012

...but now I'm feeling "normal" (I wanted to write that I was feeling "Pissed", but I didn't want to offend some of you by putting that in the title.  If it offends you in parenthesis...I apologize).
A few months after Brian died it became clear to me that I needed to see my doctor, and I needed to see her quickly........about starting antidepressants.
I had never been on them before in my life. I didn't know anything about them.
The one thing that I did know is that if I didn't see her soon, and get some help, I might not live another week.
And so I went.
And it became clear to her that I needed to be on them.
And so I started taking them.
And soon started feeling much more "balanced".
Not happy.  Still grieving.  But able to handle it.
That was almost a year  ago. These past two months I tried to wean off of them.
And did really well. For a while.
And then I did not.
I started sliding downhill around Thanksgiving. But I knew that holiday and all of December, were going to be difficult and so I dug in my heels and decided that I'd wait it out. Because surely I'd be much better after New Year's.
Fortunately, I have been able to recognize when I am about to jump off of a cliff. And then the meds came back out. I had been spiraling downwards, further and further, the entire month of December. I finally knew that I couldn't wait it out. And so I threw in the towel.
And not only was I incredibly depressed...I was hugely pissed.
I still am a little.
I'm pissed that, not only did I have to lose half of my heart when Brian died, but I had to physically and emotionally lose at least half of who I was. I'm pissed that not only did grief exist in my life, but it physically changed my body and the chemical makeup of my brain.
I think having a dead husband should be enough to suffer through...enough of a change to have to endure. But I guess my thinking isn't what always happens.
So now I am back on my meds and as of about one week ago, I'm feeling normal. Well, normal for me, that is.  One week ago today, was the first day that I didn't cry.  Not once, let alone most of the day. And I haven't cried since...not from that cold, enveloping blackness anyway. And I'm feeling happy again. And seeing things through much clearer lenses.
And I'm thankful.
Thankful that we have these kinds of medications available and thankful that I finally gave in and took them. And I'm thankful to feel happy again. And normal.
But I'm still angry.
Angry that I have to take them, and probably always will, when the "before Kimberly" never needed them. Ever.
And I'm angry that our society doesn't always recognize the chemical need that a brain has to stay balanced. But mostly?  Mostly I'm angry that most people don't realize that they need help...that their loved ones don't notice, or don't know what to do even if they notice until it's too late. It angers me that our society doesn't know as much about depression and how to recognize it, or what to do about it...other than ostracizing or criticizing or labeling.
And it angers me that some factions of our society claim that depression doesn't really exist, that there's no need for antidepressants, and that it's all a sham. It angers me when even my pastor says that depression is selfish and we need to stop thinking of ourselves and think of others...put others first.
That angers me a lot. This is not something I chose. I would not have chosen loss or grief or anger or pain or death. I cannot control the chemical composition of my brain.
And though I know that I'm going out on a limb here...it angers me that people who commit suicide are labeled as "incredibly selfish". Because I don't agree.  I know that most of them were just unable to live one more minute with the pain inside of them.  And most of them probably thought that their loved ones would be much better off if they didn't have to deal with someone who not only is in constant pain, who couldn't see an end to the pain and the "blackness", but who was also dragging everyone down with them.
We need to know more. Much more. And I hope that one day soon we will.
As for me, I'm a lot more happy than I am angry or sad now. I'm back to feeling more like me.  And this was the first time that I looked forward to New Year's in a long time.