I don't remember

Original date 30 January 2012

I remember walking toward a window, although it was for no particular reason. I believe I was simply trying to get away from the horror of what I'd seen and felt, but I can't be sure anymore.

My love was dead, and I had just watched him die. Where I went didn't matter.

Nothing mattered at that moment but the crushing pain I felt in my chest. I remember I was hauled against someone's shoulder, unaware and without care as to who it was.

The pained emptiness grew to reach every part of my body. I became immersed in it, leaving behind time, motivation, anything that might have gotten me moving on any given day. I stayed that way, immobile, for a very long time...moving only when asked. I became a robot.

I remembered everything in that moment. Exactly how he looked, the wonderful way he smelled, how perfect it felt to hug him, how amazing it felt to hold his hand and be caressed, the way he loved me, and the way I could tell he did by the way he looked at me.

And now, finally trying to wake from the nightmare that has been my life, I don't remember anything. I don't remember the sound of his voice. I don't remember the feel of his skin. I don't remember the feel of his hand in mine. I don't remember the strength in his arms as he hugged me.  I don't remember how he looked at me.

I am not doing what he asked me to.  "Please remember me," he said.

I don't know if I "don't" remember...or if I "don't want to" remember.