I'm really fine

Original date 17 March 2011

I'm okay.  Truly, I am.  This blog is to get this stuff out of my system.  I've kept it to myself because it was all so surreal and raw and everyone was already so upset, so why rock the boat with how I was feeling? 

I'm fine. 

I'm not going to hurt myself.  I'm not going to overdose on medication.  I'm not going to run my car off the side of the road and hope to die in a car crash.  It's a figure of speech.

I'm okay. 

Yes, I'm very sad.  Sad is not even the right adjective.  I've talked to my doctor.  I have a form of post traumatic stress disorder....wouldn't you....watching your husband slowly die in front of you...knowing that there was nothing you could do to stop it?  He did not deserve what happened to him, and there is no way on earth to know why this happened.

I'm okay.

He was a good man, with a good heart.  I was very lucky to know him, and to be loved by him.  I will miss him everyday for the rest of my life; granted, a little less everyday, but everyday nonetheless.  And that makes me sad....sad for the life that will never be.  Sad for the life we will never have.

I need to cry for his family; his mother, father, sisters and brother....they lost him too.  I'm sad that his nieces and nephews will never know him.  They'll hear stories, and see pictures of him holding them, but they will not know him.  They will never know how wonderful their Uncle Brian was, how loving, and thoughtful, and generous, and funny he was.  And that makes me sad.

So, I need to cry over the things we will never have, or do, or be, and I need to cry for the moments we shared that are worth treasuring.

And that's okay.