the grocery store

Original date 5 December 2011

It's been one of the biggest grief triggers for me. At first, I couldn't bring myself to go at all. It took me close to a year to go to the grocery store after Brian died.

Thank god for the kindness of friends and family who kept my fridge and freezer stocked.

Eventually, I managed to go on my own, but only to grocery stores Brian and I hadn't frequented too often.

Finally, I was and am now able to shop in "our" stores, but every time it's a set-my-teeth, white-knuckle, hurry-up-and-get-it-over-with kind of experience.

There is so much Brian in every store I go to. The items we loved, he loved, the items we argued about, the times he'd reach out to snuggle me in the middle of the frozen food aisle when I was freezing from the cold air. It seems like every damn item and aisle there has some history of Brian and me.

I went today to get a few food items. I was standing in front of the canned beans, awash in sadness. I must've looked stricken, because an employee walked by, tapped me gently and said "Oh, today isn't THAT bad, is it?"

Inwardly, I shouted, "MY HUSBAND IS DEAD!" Outwardly, I couldn't look at him and instead just continued to stare straight ahead at the damn beans. I knew if I looked at him or opened my mouth, I'd come unhinged.

So I tried to think of reasons why today wasn't all that bad. I thought of my friends, my blog, my apartment, my health. I got the beans for chili and hightailed it out of that store.

Eventually, it'll get easier to grocery shop, but the holidays are making it especially dicey right now.
My plan to make it easier on me is I'm thinking of taking some cooking classes. I used to like to cook. I think I still do, it's just that I need some inspiration. I need to get excited again. Once I do, I figure I'll be able to focus more on that mission while I grocery shop, than on how much I miss Brian. There will be a nice payoff when I get done grocery shopping and more motivation to get it done in the first place.

The second part of my plan is to go to a brand new grocery store Brian and I never went to together. It's going to mean a substantial drive, but it's also the same store where I'll take the cooking classes. I figure once it gets easy and maybe even enjoyable to go there, it'll be easier to go anywhere. That's the plan, anyway. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, grocery stores could make it easier on me (and other widowed people...oh hell, on everyone, I'm guessing) by doing the following:

1. Provide a little free booze. Just hand me a glass of wine on the way in.
2. NO CHRISTMAS CAROLS OR NOSTALGIC MUSIC! Just don't play music at all. How about a comedian's stand up act instead?
3. Samples. Distract me with yummy samples.
4. Provide tissues here and there. You never know when I'll need a few.
5. I get a free magazine just for looking sad.
6. No more carts with the wonky wheels. They make me mental as it is.