day 365

Original date 6 October 2011

I find it hard to believe that it's been 365 days that I have been a widow. The past year has seen many ups and downs for me.  Is life getting any better?  Sometimes I think it is and at other times I think I am just adapting as best as I can. I still miss my husband and I suppose always will.

I do try to venture out of the house more. It still feels very odd to attend family functions by myself, but I am managing and most times I enjoy them. It's the times when I come home or everyone leaves my home, that I am hit with the intense loneliness.

I have had many ups and downs. I have had good days and bad days. Some days I have the urge and desire to write and do so with a near obsession!  Other days I don't even want to look at a pen or piece of paper. So, yes, it is still very, very hard.

One year later and I am still as lonely and grieving as when I started this blog.  It is getting a little better though.  I saw a post on Facebook that said, "You never stop feeling grief, it just erupts less often."   That must be true, because I find I can go days without tears and then something will set me off, and I am crying and don't know why!

I smiled today...such a small thing...a smile, but there have been times lately when I wondered if I'd ever smile again - especially when I thought of my wonderful husband.  It seemed like every memory would render me to tears.  They were just too painful.  You just can't judge grief by months or even years, but you will notice little things, like being able to smile, even slightly, at a memory instead of crying.

The one year mark for me does bring hope.  Hope that I can continue to heal through the grieving process, no matter how long it has been, or how hard it seems to be.  My life must go on, in some sense.  My doctor even told me, "Your life is not over, it is just different."

At the time I wasn't really listening to her words.  Now they come back to me.  Yes, different is a good way to explain it. This new year also brings with it a step into the future.  It wasn't the future I had planned, and it isn't the one I want, but it is there and it is up to me to make the best of it.  There is no magical door...so I will have to make my own door to step through...when I am ready.

Today is a beautiful day.  I am here.  At day 365, not just standing, but rooted, grateful and joyful to take the next breath. The grief is not gone.  Do not be fooled.  It will lurk within me and surface at unforgettable moments.

But today,

T-O-D-A-Y

I am grateful to Brian.  Grateful for the life we had together and grateful for all those people known and unknown, close to me and distant, empathetic, helpful, mean and hurtful.  I stand here, and I'm ok, because of all of them.

It's day 365, and the sun feels glorious on my face.