Tis the season...

Original date 7 December 2011

...to be jolly.

Ho, ho ..... oh whatever.

I mostly loathe this "Season". I really do. And that ticks me off.

Because I didn't "before".

I loved Christmas and everything it entails. It was a wonderful time of the year for me spiritually, emotionally .... the kids are home from school and I loved the parties, the goodies we only eat once a year...I basically loved Christmas.

And then came my "after".

I keep thinking that this will get easier. So far I have been wrong. It has not become any easier. I've tried...I really have.

I've tried the whole "mind over matter" thing...if I just don't think about it, if I just don't let myself go "there"...then things will be better.

Ummmmm...not so much.

It seems that my body has a mind (and a clock, AND a calendar) of its own. It doesn't need me thinking about the time of year in order to feel it coming. It pays no attention to my mind.

*Sigh*

I've tried the "distraction" method...if I stay really busy and make a lot of Christmassy plans, things will be better. All that's accomplished is to make me really exhausted...as well as depressed. I don't want to feel like this. I really, really don't. I want to make this a happy time for my sister's kids. It used to be.

And it sucks that it suddenly isn't. And that I can't seem to make it better...or at least I can't make myself feel better.

But the truth is...I've been starting to resent this time of year...and what has become a very huge part of it...the giving of gifts. Again...used to love it. Used to be on top of it. Used to have my shopping done before December 1st. I know...that's so obnoxious.

And SO pre-2010. We are now past the 1st and I really haven't done much. I think about it every once in a while, but then just stop thinking. I resent having to buy gifts. I resent some of the children for seeming to want nothing but gifts. (Note that I did not say ALL of the children) and that is not their fault...they're children. Of course they want stuff. I resent the feeling of being a human cash machine (to be fair, that's not just this time of year). I resent that I seem to make some people happy if I spend enough money...or buy the right gift.

And I resent like hell when I hear women complain about what their husband did...or did not...give them for Christmas.

There.

Are.

No.

Words.

So yeah...you can call me Grinch if you'd like. I'm ok with that. Because I feel pretty Grinchy.

And I wonder if I always will? Or will there ever come a year when I will not feel depressed in December?

Is there some magic number of years? Is it 5? Because I'd totally love it if it were 5. Then at least I'd know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. In three more year, to be exact.

But I know there's no magic number. For anything. It is what it is until it isn't any longer. I will be very glad when that time comes. And if it doesn't come... please don't tell me. I should have something to look forward to.