no more firsts

Original date 29 September 2011

I made it. Through all the firsts. The firsts without Brian at birthday parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas morning, New Year's, through illnesses and accomplishments, vacations and anniversaries.

His absence has been an aching void....almost a presence in itself. But time has continued its slithery journey.

I look back over the time without him and see that a year has gone by and no time at all seems to have passed. But it has and I have grown stronger. I will try to look forward to the future. To make plans. To smile more often. To remember my sweet, loving husband, but without so much of the ache that goes along with the remembering.

To rejoice that he was, not cry that he is now gone.

I am going to hold my head up. I have no more firsts...which fills me with both relief and sadness. It is time to go forward and hold my head a bit higher.

I know that my path will be full of potholes and the occasional mud pit but I am going to stop crawling. I will walk. I will walk tall and hopefully be able to jump over the puddles now and then. I'll stop and rest when I need to.

I refuse to be as broken as I have been. I refuse to be crushed. I refuse to remain broken and beaten.

I need to be strong and to show my family that tragedy is hard but it will not defeat us. Brian would not want us to fall. He would want us to smile and notice the sun on our faces.

I am not and will never be "over" this terrible loss, but I will carry it, like a scar, and it will shape who I will become.

So, here I go....